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- Heard Around The Hospital
- So You Want To Be A Twitter Celebrity
- I'll Be Right Back (Again)
- A Death In The Family, Part Two
- Schizophrenia Jokes (Also It's Not Multiple Personality Disorder)
- Heard Around The Hospital
- Twitter Thursday (Okay So It's Not Thursday)
- The End Of House M.D.
- Heard Around The Hospital
- A Death In The Family
- I Haz A New Banner, Part Thr-- Ah Screw It
- _Anonymous said... _
- @A Doc 2 Be I turned my company in for fraudulent financial reporting and after I settled my lawsuit against them.I was destroyed financially by the company - that would be a doing of an idiot. No wonder you have no regrets, coz still nobody caught you reg. your alleged fraudulent activity. @The Mildly Irritated Medic I can still make myself believe that I can make this work, yet I know that I need to find out quickly if that faith is misplaced. HA HA HA, gotcha. And what would you say to a medic who has lost his way, but not his hope? Id say, HA HA HA, gotcha.
- _9:30 PM_
- The Angry Medicsaid...
- ANONYMOUS KEYBOARD WARRIOR: WOOP WOOP! DOUCHEBAG ALERT! Who invited the Anonymous Arsehole Squad? I bet youre their famous leader, Captain A.N. Al Penetration! Known for fearlessly leading the digital charge _(into rectums. Digital Rectal Exam. AHAHA SEEWHATIDIDTHAR?)_ from safely behind his computer screen whilst chugging his Big Macs with one hand and washing it down with his mommas breast milk with the other! Does it feel good trolling other people courageous enough to post their stories? Does it make you feel less of a loser sitting at home in your hot neighbours stolen panties and your five-day stubble? At least youre not yanking off to your dads vintage porn collection anymore, are ya? Isnt your mom proud of you? Speaking of your mom, why dont you get back to sucking her teat, shes complaining her nipples are dry. Get off my blog. Dont forget to shove your head back into your ass on your way out, your roids are getting lonely.
- 11:38 AM
- Heard Around The Hospital
- I Haz A New Banner, Part Two
- The Question Everyone Should Ask Themselves, Part Two
- The Question Everyone Should Ask Themselves, Part One
- I Haz A New Banner
- Time Travelling Online With The British Library
- Chelsea Wins The FA Cup (And I Almost Get Slapped Because Of It)
- How Different Specialities React
- When Doctors Troll
- My Reaction To Being Published In The Guardian
- My Guardian Article: Medical Student Nudity in French Hospitals
- Pain Tolerance Level: Asian
- Stuff They Don't Teach You In Medical School: Inflight Emergencies
- Why I Am A Chelsea Fan
_This is part of a series of posts on funny things I hear around the hospital. For previous posts, click here. _
Medical student quote of the day:
_"So, what did you learn today?"_
_"I never knew that so much blood could come out of one patients arm."_
_"Oh? What were you doing to the patient?"_
_"Taking blood."_
**********
In clinic, from one of my fellow doctors:
_"Hey Angry. You think if I put up a sign outside my door saying CRAP YOU GIVE ME WILL END UP ON MY BLOG patients would give me less crap?"_*
**********
_"Mrs Smith, Im here to give you your injection."_
_"What was that?"_
_"Mrs Smith, Im HERE to give you YOUR INJECTION"._
_"I cant hear you boy, speak up."_
_"MRS SMITH IM HERE TO GIVE YOU YOUR INJECTION!"_
_"Quiet boy! What do you think I am, deaf?"_
_**********_
Sorry for the long absence, folks. Ive had multiple family illnesses, a major move, and a runaway cousin to contend with. I know my readers have desperately missed me (all three of you) so Ill try to be less naughty and post more (as if the Internet needed any more bad humour).
_ _
_*If you recognised that joke from my Facebook and Twitter accounts, then 1. OMG you actually pay attention to my crap? and 2. Correct. It was a colleague who also reads my Facebook quoting me to, well, me. Cheeky bugger._
Ive just crossed 1000 Twitter followers! What does that get me in real life?
Absolutely nothing.
Damn.
***
In other news, I havent been blogging due to a series of unfortunate events including a death in the family, a big fat wedding, and travelling very far for an interview. Ive also probably been spending far too much time on Twitter than is healthy, which explains the bloodshot eyes and the throbbing pain in my temples (that Im sure has nothing to do with my recently acquired nickname of Dr Vampire*).
The good news? Ive got a lot of stories to tell? The bad news? Youre gonna have to hear me tell em. BWAHAHA.
Be back soon, and thanks for the comments. Yes, even my trolls.
_*if that nickname ever changes to Dr Edward Cullen, somebody drive a stake through my heart. You may think Im joking. Im not. _
Yes folks, your prayers are answered! I AM NOT DEAD! (_Whats that you say? Thats not what you prayed for? Well then if you DID think I was dead, why are you in the middle of celebrati-- *gets it* OHHHHH. Shaddap._ _--Editor_)
Posts have been slow here, because Im in the middle of preparing for a really big interview really soon. but Ive queued up posts on my Facebook and Twitter feeds for the next 2 days. Some of my new material is actually funny (_shocking right. --Ed._) and has gotten me more than the 2 likes I make my mom and my best friend put on all my posts! (_Only kidding. My mom doesnt have Facebook. --Ed._)
So! For your usual dose of seizure-inducing Angry Medic humour, do go to MY FACEBOOK PAGE or FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AT @THEANGRYMEDIC - Im fast approaching 500 followers, and I promise Ill make you laugh. No really. Look at the jokes I came up with recently all by myself:
_***_
Three quotes that, in my opinion, sum up the ultimate lesson that death teaches us:
“THE GREAT TRAGEDY OF THE AVERAGE MAN IS THAT HE GOES TO HIS GRAVE WITH HIS MUSIC STILL IN HIM.”
-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, American poet
"ONE OF THE MOST TRAGIC THINGS I KNOW ABOUT HUMAN NATURE IS THAT ALL OF US TEND TO PUT OFF LIVING. WE ARE ALL DREAMING OF SOME MAGICAL ROSE GARDEN OVER THE HORIZON--INSTEAD OF ENJOYING THE ROSES THAT ARE BLOOMING OUTSIDE OUR WINDOWS TODAY."
-- Dale Carnegie, author, _How To Win Friends and Influence People_
"I WOULD RATHER BE ASHES THAN DUST. I WOULD RATHER THAT MY SPARK BURN OUT IN A BRILLIANT BLAZE THAN BE STFLED BY DRY-ROT. I WOULD RATHER BE A SUPERB METEOR, EVERY ATOM OF ME IN MAGNIFICENT GLOW, THAN A SLEEPY AND PERMANENT PLANET.
THE PROPER FUNCTION OF MAN IS TO LIVE, NOT TO EXIST."
-- Jack London, author and journalist
So go. Live your life; I mean _really _live it. Seize your day today.
_For more inspirational quotes, you can follow me on Twitter or like my Facebook page._
_Photo credit._
Let me preface this post with this warning: My life sucks nowadays. I wake up in the morning thinking _"oh God not another new day"_. I go to sleep thinking _"Yay, six whole hours of no one screwing with me"_. But I put on a happy face for my patients and a snarky face for my Twitter followers. Which leaves this blog as pretty much the only place I can really be myself. And todays one of those days when the whole weight of how much my life sucks is really pounding me in the face.
So the last thing I need today is to see ONE SMARTASS COMMENT that totally pushes me over. To put it in context, heres the joke on my post I Haz A New Banner (Part Two) (in the italics under the photo):
Yes, I made a schizophrenia joke. Yes, its a bad one. And YES, I FREAKING KNOW THAT SCHIZOPHRENIA IS NOT THE SAME AS MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, OKAY? But its a longstanding common misperception that it is, and in everyday humour, the two are taken to be the same. THIS IS NOT JUST ME; check out these jokes:
_Im schizophrenic and so am I._ _National Schizophrenics Convention: Anybody whos everybody will be there!_ _If a schizophrenic threatens suicide, is it declared a hostage situation?__I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.__(all from Joke Buddha: Schizophrenic Jokes_)_Paranoid schizophrenic: Are you staring at us?_
Hell, one blogger even started a collection of schizophrenic jokes. Heres a sample:
Ive half a mind to go to that meeting on schizophrenia tonight. Did you hear about the panto that was held in aid of the Schizophrenia Association? It descended into chaos when someone shouted "Hes behind you!" When is a man two men? When he is beside himself. _ _ Roses are red, Violets are blue, Im schizophrenic, and so am I.So schizophrenia has always been portrayed as multiple personality disorder in the mass media, even though every medical student in diapers knows thats not the case. And I certainly am not above cracking the same jokes to make people smile. Then this high-and-mighty Lord Psychiatrist dude comes and puts this comment on my above post:
PSYCHIATRIST said..._
As a supposed Cambridge Medical Graduate you should know better than thinking schizophrenia refers to split personalities that talk to one another.
Schizophrenia translates as "splintered mind" which unfortunately has meant that the whole world believes that it refers to people with multiple personalities. A more accurate interpretation of the nomenclature would be that individuals are splintered from reality, with manifestations of psychosis, delusional thought, neologisms, thought withdrawal/insertion/broadcasting and passivity. They do often get auditory hallucinations, sometimes even coming from a part of their body, but schizophrenics never believe that those voices are another personality within them.
Oh man. Oh MAN.
I realise I may have overreacted, but like I said, Im having a very bad day. Just like everybody else. So this was my reply:
PSYCHIATRIST: Bitch please. I have a MA from Cambridge in Experimental Psychology. My Psych supervisor was Professor Simon Baron-Cohen, BAFTA-nominated father of modern autism and cousin to actor Sacha Baron-Cohen, and he described my dissertation on The Magnocellular Theory of Autism and Dyslexia as "excellent". I could reel off the Schneiderian first-rank symptoms like a well-oiled engine after my first week of psych. So YES, I THINK I KNOW WHAT SCHIZOPHRENIA FREAKING IS._
_However, as a supposed psychiatrist YOU should know that it is a common misconception that schizophrenia and MPD are the same thing, and jokes to that effect are so common they have become part of popular culture. So if you want to correct me, go shove your judgment up the arse of every single clown out there who has ever made the joke. Start by Googling schizophrenia jokes. The first page itself will give YOU voices in your head._
_If you need more proof, here is me correcting Adam Kay of physician musical duo Amateur Transplants on the same mistake over two weeks ago. I regret it now. He must have had the same resignation in his head at being shot down by a fellow physician WHO FREAKING WELL KNOWS that he suffered just as much as I did to pass his finals and hes making the joke for comedy value AND NOTHING ELSE. _
I hate, HATE it when people play the Cambridge card on me. DO YOU KNOW WHAT MOST DOCTORS REACTIONS ARE WHEN THEY FIND OUT IM FROM CAMBRIDGE? Do you think they are filled with admiration and fall at my feet? No. Most of them immediately hate me, or think IM AN ARROGANT TWAT WHO THINKS IM GODS GIFT TO MEDICINE AND DESCENDED TO EARTH IN A BEAM OF LIGHT FROM HEAVEN WITH A RUSSIAN CHURCH CHOIR SINGING FREAKING CARMINA BURANA IN THE BACKGROUND.
_"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU COULDNT TAKE BLOOD FROM HER? DIDNT THEY TEACH YOU THAT AT CAMBRIDGE?"_
_"YOUVE NEVER DONE THIS PROCEDURE BEFORE? BUT I THOUGHT YOU WENT TO CAMBRIDGE?"_
_"YOU CANT HANDLE THIS SURGERY BY YOURSELF? ARE YOU SURE YOU WENT TO CAMBRIDGE?"_
So if you think I walk around all day with a massive neon sign above my head saying "LOL I WENT TO CAMBRIDGE LOL" expecting people to fall at my feet and nurses to rip off their clothing at the very sight of me, think again. I never, EVER tell anyone I work with. I just say I went to Imperial College London and leave it at that.
This is part of a series of posts that contain funny things I hear in medicine. You can find the previous posts by clicking here.
DONT MESS WITH THE PHARMACISTS
Today I took my mother to the hospital pharmacy.
Me: _And this is all the medication, is it?_
Pharmacist: _Yes, make sure she takes it on time._
Me: _Oh dont worry, Im a doctor._
Pharmacist: ._..oh God, not another one._
_Was it something I said?_
FAILED MEDICAL ENTRANCE EXAM ANSWERS
This Has Been Making The Rounds On Facebook. Apparently Mr Bean Wanted To Become A Doctor And Took A University Entrance Exam. The Question Was _"Define The Following Terms"_. Here Are His Answers:
Antibody : _A Person Who Hates His Body._
Artery : _The Study Of Fine Paintings._
Bacteria : _The Back Door Of Cafeteria._
Coma : _A Punctuation Mark._
Labour Pain : _A Workplace Accident._
Cardiology : _The Advanced Study Of Playing Cards._
_If you liked this, you can get more laughs round the clock by following me on Twitter @theangrymedic, where I have over 300 followers now. 300 poor souls taking my crap cant be wrong! Also like my Facebook page pretty please with sugar on top._
A lot of people who read this blog arent on Twitter, which means they miss out on the amazing humour and incisive wit that I spread there. (I dont care what you say, toilet jokes are classified as "amazing humour". That and jokes about Justin Biebers gender. See, I type "Justin Biebers gender" and I already feel like laughing. HAHAHAHA. Sue me. --Editor_) So I thought in addition to my HEARD AROUND THE HOSPITAL series on Mondays, I would pick the best tweets throughout the week and compile them here on Thursdays. Then call it TWITTER THURSDAYS (check out that alliteration. Arent I witty?). Heres a sample of tweets from the past week and before, both others and mine:
TWITTER COMEDIANS
Many Twitter users dedicate their accounts to funny tweets and humour. These are often the most popular with thousands of followers, and they work their asses off to come up with new funny stuff every day.
First u forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up; finally, you forget to pull it down. - George Burns.
Best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isnt hygiene, its that everyone walks around like theyre hatching a dastardly plan.
Spencer Porter _@porters_
A girl swiftly rubbing your back during a hug is the physical manifestation of the friend zone.
carol to the ann _@cazzastrophe_
Starting to think that men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do.
Dr Dementia _@Doctor_Dementia_
I came face to face with a stroke victim last night & we had a massive argument. It was pretty one sided.
FUN WITH HASHTAGS
One of the most popular activities (read: time-wasters to avoid revising/working/talking to your family at dinner) is tweeting the Trends. This is when some topic becomes talked about by so many people that Twitter puts it on its Trending page, and everyone joins in to tweet about that theme. For example, RIP JUSTIN BIEBER has been trending for the past two days. I have to change my pants every time I read that.
Trends are usually preceded by a hashtag, as in the examples below:
Sophie Knight _@SophieJLS1D_ #LiesGirlsTellForAttention *upload facebook picture* ohhh Im so ugly #LifesStuff _@Vainases_ #IfItWasntForTwitter how else could all the beliebers annoy everyone? Darcy Dick _@darcydick_ #LessAmbitiousNovels The Girl With The Temporary Tattoo
The Angry Medic _@theangrymedic_#LessAmbitiousNovels The Above Average Gatsby_ _ President Snow _@President_Snow_ #LessAmbitiousNovels The Not So Hungry Games.
MY STUPENDOUSLY HANDSOME TWITTER PROFILE PIC
I have found a curious trend: people with loads of followers on Twitter sometimes arent very funny. Theyre just chicks who take dubiously-angled photos of themselves in tank tops and make them profile pictures, and BAM! A thousand (new) followers. So I decided to do as the Romans do and changed my slightly, uh, scary profile pic to that of another famous Doctor whom Im totally mistaken for all the time:
An angry Doctor. Geddit? Totally looks like me._
THE ANGRY DOCTOR @theangrymedic
My brain exploded. Need a brain transplant. Was told transplant list is 2 years long because all the worlds politicians are on it. #fail
The Angry Doctor _@theangrymedic_
Variation: Prof: How does the rectum feel? Student: uh, warm? RT @NeesaAmran: #ThingsUShouldntSay during a rectal exam "Aah that feels nice"
The Angry Doctor _@theangrymedic_
#ThingsUShouldntAskUrDr "Doc, I got a papercut. I think I have flesh-eating bacteria! I read about it online."
The Angry Doctor _@theangrymedic_
I like giving back to society. So if u come in and waste govt resources with trivial injuries, Ill make sure u leave with bigger injuries.
The Angry Doctor _@theangrymedic_
My job in a nutshell. RT "@medschooladvice: Patients often get better on their own. Treat them before this happens so you can take credit."On my way to the ER. Just had a seizure after my 11th large coffee refill. And yes, of course Ill be quizzing the doc on seizure meds.
The Angry Doctor _@theangrymedic_
@MEDSKOOLGUNNER Careful. ER treatment guidelines for caffeine seizures and annoying medical student both include backhand to the face.
If you like what you see, kindly follow me on Twitter and I promise Ill make you laugh. Or gag. Or laugh whilst gagging (not as bad as it sounds. Okay Im lying). If you definitely positively dont wanna use Twitter, at least like my Facebook page? Ill love you like Beliebers love Justin.
For my fellow unworthy foreigners not lucky enough to be born in/have crawled through the underdeveloped waste of our respective homelands into the United States of America, I have a piece of bad news.
After 8 seasons, the TV series HOUSE M.D. aired its final episode last night.
"As if there arent already few enough role models with disabilities on TV!"_
_(For added atmosphere, click here and press the big blue button in the middle of the page. You wont regret it.)_
House M.D. has literally lasted me through medical school. I remember watching it in my first few depressed months at Cambridge, after my first girlfriend dumped me to get together with my best friend behind my back (_yes, that happened. And you wonder why Im screwed up in my head! --Editor_) and I googled angry doctor to find an angsty profile picture (_for Friendster. Yeah, this was, uh, before Facebook existed. DONT MAKE ANY AGE JOKES --Ed._) and I discovered House. And the rest, as they say, is history (as were my exam grades that term).
I havent watched the last episode yet, but I will soon. Until then, Im going to pretend it hasnt ended.
And for those of you who HAVE watched the last episode and are on the floor crying whilst sucking your thumbs in the foetal position, leave some space for me, will ya?
_Do justice to the memory of House M.D. and like my Facebook page. Or follow me on Twitter. Its what Dr House would have wanted._
_This is a weekly series of funny stuff I overhear in medicine. For the previous post, click here. _
Im still busy with stuff I discussed in A Death In The Family, so Im doing reruns. You may have seen these on Twitter and around teh interwebz, but I bet theyll give you a laugh anyway. See if you can spot where these doctors went wrong:
ACTUAL UNEDITED NOTES WRITTEN BY DOCTORS ON PATIENTS MEDICAL CHARTS
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The patient stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today; who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall._ _
That awkward moment when a patient sees SOB written on his chart and thinks youre insulting him:
Click this picture for the full comic. _
_(Courtesy of PoorMD via Cartoon Guide) _
If youve got any that I missed, dump em in the comment section below. Have a happy Monday folks!
_If you liked this, dont forget to like my Facebook page and follow me on Twitter. I promise to entertain you, and with more than* just toilet jokes!_
_*"more than" may be subjective_
Recently there was a death in the family.
It wasnt anyone very close, but close enough that its been taking up all my time, which is why I havent put up the stories from the comments on The Question Everyone Should Ask Themselves. Ive seen quite a bit of death lately, and it makes me ponder.
Death has an effect on everyone. It reminds you that however young or old you are, however healthy (or fatass unhealthy) and however ridiculously good-looking (like me) you are, we all die. It will all end someday.
As a doctor, death changes you. The first few times, anyway. If you let it affect you, youre protecting your humanity. But if you harden up (as all doctors do eventually) and dont let it affect you, youre protecting your heart.
I still remember vividly the first time I pronounced someone dead. It was an elderly grandmother sitting alone in her hospital bed. The family had all left the previous night, and she died in the early morning. The senior doctor and I walked into the room, and there she was, lying on the bed, perfectly still. I remember wondering what a dead body would look like just before entering her room. It didnt look very different from a sleeping person.
The doctor taught me to listen for the heartbeat for three whole minute, then check for breath sounds, then check for a pulse. Having watched too many horror movies (or Scrubs episodes) I kept expecting her to jump awake at any moment and scare me right out of my pants. But of course, she lay perfectly still. Nothing. She was truly gone.
What is the ultimate lesson of death? WE ALREADY KNOW. Every day we watch movies that tell us, listen to music that tells us, talk to old family members who tell us. Yet still we never listen. The lesson is - life ends. Yours will end someday too. Maybe even today, maybe tomorrow. So we truly should live with no regrets. We truly should act as if every day was our last. As George W. Bushs pastor in the Oliver Stone film W. tells him - "I WANT YOU TO TREAT EVERYBODY YOU MEET - YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR ENEMIES, EVERYBODY - LIKE THEY WERE GOING TO BE DEAD AT MIDNIGHT"_.
But living like that is hard. We tell ourselves its human nature to plan for the future. If we truly lived like there was no tomorrow, wed all be out partying and looting and killing our politicians and Id be gang-raped by every nurse in the hospital (Im joking. Partly). So maybe we can compromise. Maybe we can start by being nicer to each other. Because death hangs over all of us.
Ill be back next week. In the meantime, if you have any stories of what death means to you, please share them in the comments.
Quick post to say that I updated the banner again, with my Facebook page (GO LIKE IT PLEASE, I LIKE YOU LONG TIME) and my Twitter page, as well as my new slogan! Thats right, my blog now has a slogan. Why? Because these days all the kids want short simple crap thats easy to read and is preferably not longer than 140 characters and has lots of pictures. I blame Justin Bieber. Yes, I know you saw that coming.
How do you think I survived med school without revising?_
Ive finally replied the truly inspiring comments on my Question Everyone Should Ask Themselves post, which I will soon feature in an upcoming post. But there was also a troll in the comments. I get one of these jokers on every other post, it seems. And because I dont want to detract from all the awesomeness in the upcoming post, Im going to post my reply here instead.
And this is what I replied:
Holy facepalm, Batman!_
Im really busy over the next couple of days doing important work for a wedding (_and by important work I mean I got tricked into helping put up the decorations --Editor_) so Im going to do what I do best and throw bad jokes at you instead.
Every week Ill post up some of the funny shit I hear around the hospital and med school in a HEARD AROUND THE HOSPITAL post.
When I got into Cambridge, I made an open application and was selected by Jesus College. With medical students being famous as they are for making bad jokes, this means I would hear all sorts of crappy punchlines:_ _
_"YOU HAVE A FRIEND IN JESUS."__ _
_"JESUS CHOSE ME!" _-- from a student who got pooled into Jesus College_ _
_"JESUS IS COMING, LOOK BUSY!" _-- from rowers when they saw the Jesus College rowing team down the river
_And my personal favourite, after 1pm lectures, this guy would stand up and loudly proclaim, "FRIENDS, LET US RETURN TO JESUS - FOR LUNCH."_
Holy crap, indeed.
Have you got any bad jokes about university names? Please dont leave more bad Jesus jokes, I already have enough bad humour on Twitter every day with Beliebers telling me Justin Bieber produces real music. (_HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ah dammit. Someday Ill learn to say that without falling off my chair laughing. --Ed._)
Also, about the Premier League matches, I just want to say - the tweet below left me in stitches. I leave it with you.
Dont hate me, Man United fans. Ah what the heck, you guys already hate me anyway._
_Post inspired by Dr Grumpy, my favourite blogger who doesnt love me back. Sniff WHINE WHINE okay jeez I sound like my ex-girlfriend._
Not to distract from the really inspiring discussion going on in my last post, but after some useful feedback* on my last blog banner, Ive put up a new one.
Yes, the banner on the right is an actual photo, whereas the left is Photoshopped._
_And yes, I actually posted a picture of my two banners talking to each other._
_Whats that you ask? Am I sure Im not schizophrenic? _
_I used to be, but were all right now. _
Im no Photoshop expert though, and whilst I thought the plastic wrap effect in my last banner was okay, a lot of people found it annoying.
What do you think?
_*__feedback ranged from "whoa dude loving the new banner" to "sorry this is so late, just finished throwing up. seriously, who taught u to Photoshop? Ur blind grandmother?"_
I envy him.
But like Darth Vader said to Luke, "It is too late for me, son." But not for you. You can still change your life. So ask yourself today, "WAS IT WORTH IT?"
I sincerely hope the answer is yes.
I was going to put up a post with a bunch of stuff that made me laugh in the past few days. But some very serious issues have been eating at me for a while now, demanding to be written down. I cant ignore them much longer.
I DONT CARE WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING. I WANT YOU TO ANSWER A QUESTION. A question that everyone should ask themselves at some point in life.
First, if you can, watch this video. It shows CNN Chief Medical Correspondent Dr Sanjay Gupta, a successful broadcaster and brain surgeon, giving the commencement address to the graduating class of the University of Michigan last week. Hes funny, hes engaging, but he has some very important life lessons to teach.
Its 20 minutes long, but it may change your life.
Notice how he breaks every lesson down. Write them down. Remember them. This man got a standing ovation from 40,000 people that day.
Now I want you to come back tomorrow, whether you watched it or not. Because I will ask you a very important question. A question every person in this world should ask themselves before they die.
So I finally got off my butt and made a new blog banner to replace my 6-year-old crappy-ass one. This one accurately reflects that I am no longer in Cambridge, and moved to London and Southeast Asia, so maybe all those butthurt people who send me hate mail asking why my blog banner is so misleading will shut up now.
But I honestly cant tell whether its good or not. So what do you think?
Is the new banner good? Bad? Ugly? Does it make you want to throw up, rip your hair out, put Justin Biebers Boyfriend on maximum volume on your radio and go into mass hysteria?
Let me know!
So there I was, innocently minding my own business, staring at my blog visitor stats more obsessively than Rupert Murdoch stares at his profit margins (_WAHEY topical humour! Who says reading this blog doesnt keep you up-to-date with news? Wait dont answer that. --Editor_) when I realise that one of my most popular posts, The Cambridge Interviewer Interviewed, hasnt been updated for a long time. I open it up and start editing it--
- when I accidentally delete the whole thing.
Then when I fumble for the REVERT TO DRAFT button which will save my ass, I accidentally click the SAVE button instead.
I just lost one of my most popular early posts that still gets hits every day from students applying to Cambridge University.
Thankfully, I didnt stay curled up on the floor in the fetal position sucking my thumb and crying for my mommy for long. I got onto Google and searched - and found that my blog had been archived by the British Librarys Web Archive and perfectly preserved online.
What does this mean?
For me - it means I found my post, copied and pasted it back. (Wow. This means I basically went back in time and stole a post from my past self. Damn. If only I could go back in time and tell my past self to stop shaving his head and apply Rogaine every day religiously, maybe Id have some hair now eh? AHAHA kidding! Bald is sexy. You hear that ladies? SEXAY. --Ed._)
For you - it means that long after you and I are dead, your grandkids will STILL be reading my crap! BWAHAHAHA. So remember - when theyre born, buy them new clothes, milk bottles, and antipsychotic pills. Theyll need it.
Seriously though, if you want to see what the Internet was like a few years ago, go visit the UK Web Archive and spend a few hours travelling back in time. (_No they dont do porn. Sorry bros. I checked. *Bro fist* --Ed._)
_Ive talked before about how I became a Chelsea fan, and about how it is generally a very painful experience. Just today one friend told me "you must be used to pain; youre a Chelsea fan" (well yes I am a masochist - I am after all a doctor --Editor_) and I was so scared of the humiliation that would follow the FA Cup final that I didnt even watch it. (_Okay, I was actually at a wedding, and was following the match so intently on my phone that my mom threatened to slap me and chuck my phone into the giant bowl of fruit juice unless I went and talked to one of the many many beautiful women eyeing me. Oh wait, my mom reads this. Hi mom! You look beautiful today! --Ed._)
Then I woke up to the beautiful, beautiful news that Chelsea had actually won. The first thing I did was type out my Facebook status:
I Woke Up This Morning - AND I SAW A MASSIVE FUCKING BLUE FLAG, FLYING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CITY. (and No Im Not Talking About Morning Wood, Perverts). WOOHOO CONGRATS CHELSEA!Mental Images Of My Huge Penis Aside, Being A Chelsea Fan IS Indeed A Painful Experience. But Sometimes - Just Sometimes - Chelsea Make It Totally Worth It, And I Can Hold My Head High. Just Like The Blue Flag Is Flying Today.
_Congratulations, Chelsea FC. _Im busy this weekend, so I thought Id leave this for my faithful ardent readers (_all three of you. Three and a half if my neighbour brings his dog, who doesnt really read but will at least stare at the screen if you scratch his butt --Editor_) to giggle over. This is a clever bit of wordplay on how different medical specialities react to changes.
The British Medical Association has weighed in on Prime Minister David Camerons health care proposals:__The ALLERGISTS voted to scratch it, but the DERMATOLOGISTS advised not to make any rash moves.__The GASTROENTEROLOGISTS had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the NEUROLOGISTS thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.__The OBSTETRICIANS felt they were all labouring under a misconception. OPHTHALMOLOGISTS considered the idea short-sighted.__PATHOLOGISTS yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the PAEDIATRICIANS said, "Oh, Grow up!"__The PSYCHIATRISTS thought the whole idea was madness, while the RADIOLOGISTS could see right through it.__The SURGEONS were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.__The ENT SPECIALISTS didnt swallow it, and just wouldnt hear of it. The PHARMACOLOGISTS thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the__PLASTIC SURGEONS said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."__The PODIATRISTS thought it was a step forward, but the UROLOGISTS were pissed off at the whole idea.__The ANAESTHETISTS thought the whole idea was a gas, but the CARDIOLOGISTS didnt have the heart to say no._
_IN THE END, THE PROCTOLOGISTS won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London._
Found via Dr Zorros blog. Now dont cry, dear readers, Ill be back again real soon. I know loads and loads of you wait with anticipation every day just to see what else Ive writte--
Dammit.
_If you liked/close to liked/maybe smiled a little at this post, consider liking my Facebook page. You know Justin Bieber fanpages on Facebook who have more likes than me. Is that fair? Ask yourself honestly. The truth is out there*._
_(*the truth is you should like my Facebook page)_
_(Note: This post was published originally in 2007, but was taken down at the request of the doctor mentioned, as hes become quite well-known. All names have been changed to protect privacy.)_
When I was a baby medic*, we were given a talk by Dr Noob, the author of a now-popular textbook, who gave us a grave warning about why you should never accept chocolate from a doctor.
On Dr Noobs first day at a new hospital, a senior doctor walked up and shook his hand. _"Hey, Im Dr M. Welcome to Freakshow General Hospital**,"_ he grinned, and gave Dr Noob a Cadbury Creme Egg. _"Its always been a tradition here to give the new doctor one of these. For good luck. Eat up, and if you have any questions, Id be happy to help."_
_"Wow, thanks, thats really nice of you."_ Dr Noob popped the egg into his mouth and picked up a patients chart. _"Actually I do have a question; see this--"_
But Dr M cut him off. _"Actually __Doctor__, Id like you to check the medication Ive just administered, ."_
Dr Noob looked at him. There were no patients around to give medication to. Then Dr M grinned evilly.
_"Oh, didnt I say? Its also always been the tradition that the chocolate egg given to the new guy is injected with furosemide."_ (_F_urosemide is a water tablet that makes you pee. If you STILL have no idea what Im talking about, heres a clue. --Ed.)
Dr M patted Dr Noob on the shoulder. _"If I were you, Id stay close to the toilet today, old chap. Wet pants flop a lot when you walk. Cheers!"_ And off he went. And you can imagine what the rest of the day was for poor old Dr Noob.
And so a rivalry started between the two young doctors. But after a few weeks, they became friends, and two months after the whole incident, Dr Noob told Dr M, _"You know, weve become friends now. Let bygones be bygones. Here, have a Cadbury Egg. As a token of peace." _Dr M was suspicious, but Dr Noob said hed take one too. So they both ate one.
Then Dr Noob stood back, grinned insanely, and said, "And now, Doctor, Id like YOU to check the medication Ive just administered."_
Dr Ms eyes widened. _"Oh no you didnt__."_
Dr Noob stared at him for a moment, then smiled. _"Heh. Nah, I didnt."_
Dr M sighed with relief. _"For a moment there, Noob, I tho--"_
"I injected castor oil instead." (_Castor oil is a laxative. It makes you shoot more shit out of your ass than Mitt Romney shoots out of his mouth. If you have no idea what Im talking about, click here. --Ed._)
Dr M froze.
Dr Noob slapped him on the back and said, _"If I were you, Id stay close to the toilet today, old chap. Pity that scrub pants dont come in brown colour."_ And off he went.
And you thought doctors only stayed crazy whilst they were still in university...
*_yes, I was young once. DONT MAKE A HAIR JOKE. If you make a hair joke I will track you down, break into your house and stuff a wig made from Britney Spears shaven hairs into an orifice of my choice. Then Ill plead temporary insanity to the judge. This blog is all the proof I need that Im batshit insane anyway._
**hospital name changed to protect privacy. Hospitals have feelings too, you know.
In case youve somehow managed to avoid my relentless spamming and self-promotion through three different social networks (four if you count GoodLooksBook, the social network reserved exclusively for extremely good-looking people*. Though its membership is small. But ridiculously beautiful --Editor_) an article I wrote was published in the online version of The Guardian, the UK national newspaper. I first learnt when I noticed that quite a few visitors were arriving from my Guardian profile page. At first I was happy as a London tube driver on strike.
Then I realised. People who read The Guardian are coming.
Here. To my blog.
My first Facebook status update when I learnt was
OHGODOHGODOHGOD PEOPLE WHO VISIT MY BLOG FROM THE GUARDIAN ARTICLE ARE INTELLIGENT, ARENT THEY? THEYRE GOING TO EXPECT INCISIVE POLITICAL COMMENTARY ON THE STATE OF THE NHS, ARENT THEY? INSTEAD THEYRE GOING TO GET A MEME ABOUT FUCKING JUSTIN BIEBER. HOO BOY.
Yep. The intelligent sorts that inhabit the Guardians comment sections are probably even now throwing up/going into mass hysteria/calling my parents and scolding them for daring to bring such an abomination into the world. But wait! I swear its not all poop jokes and memes here! I do honest intellectual posts sometimes** too! And I promise a few more will be coming soon.
In the meantime, I hope you enjoy your stay. And if you dont, I find paracetamol usually helps.
_*If you actually believed such a site existed and clicked on the link, please email me. I have a lovely discount on the Brooklyn Bridge. No really. Oh, Im also secretly Barack Obama. Why else do you think my blog updates are so slow?_
_**The definition of "sometimes" is subjective and may differ from person to perso-- ah fuck it, I LIKE POOP JOKES AND MEMES, OKAY. LEAVE ME ALONE._
_If you like what you see, please consider liking my Facebook page. Oh come on, you like Facebook pages with nothing but hot chicks posting "OH IM SO BORED" on their statuses. You can like mine too. Ill make goo-goo eyes at you. _
(_Oh I bet that title got your attention, didnt it? In fact, you may even have gotten here by Googling something perverted. In which case, make sure youre using Private Browsing Mode um GET AWAY FROM ME, SICKO. Cough. --Editor_)
Today my article was published in The Guardian Onlines Comment Is Free section. Its a piece on a really strange tradition in French hospitals, where GIANT MURALS DEPICTING THE CURRENT MEDICAL STUDENTS (INTERNS) HAVING SEX WITH THEIR DOCTORS, PROFESSORS AND OTHER HOSPITAL STAFF ARE DRAWN ON THE WALLS OF THE STUDENTS BREAK ROOMS. Think thats weird? Get this - these drawings are commissioned _by the students themselves_.
Yep. Take your time picking your jaw off the floor.
And you guys thought I never wrote anything respectable. LOVE ME NOW, MOM?!_
Anyway, people coming over from the Guardian site have no idea who I am and are probably fast getting nauseous, so a quick introduction:
Hello, I am THE ANGRY MEDIC, a doctor who writes on medical issues in a humorous fashion (_more accurately: what I think is humorous, but what my readers would probably generously describe as vomit-inducing --Ed._) Before you run off, heres a sample of some of my more popular posts:
EMERGENCY AT 35, 000 FEET: An account of how I helped resuscitate an elderly lady on a long-haul flight out of Heathrow - and got slapped by her for my trouble INFLIGHT EMERGENCIES: A valuable tip on what to drink if you feel nauseous (not water!) shared by the senior doctor in the post above THE CAMBRIDGE INTERVIEWER INTERVIEWED: After I enrolled at Cambridge University, I met my interviewer, who shed some light on the interview process and getting into Cambridge SOME WOUNDS NEVER HEAL: An award-winning post about how one patient wishes he didnt survive his recent surgery, and why DOCTORS VS NURSES: MEDICINES OLDEST BATTLE: The original post that shot me to fame by being featured on the front page of the then-popular NHS BLOG DOCTOR site. A nurse blogger had ranted against doctors and the online backlash was spectacular THE LAST VALENTINE: A somber lesson shared by a grieving patient on Valentines Day, dedicated to those who have lost a Valentine
_ I also used to write for WedMD.coms medical student blog The Differential. Some popular posts from there attracting over 80 comments:
WHY DO SURGEONS HAVE SUCH BIG EGOS?: A group of medical students observe that surgeons behave far more arrogantly than other doctors in the hospital. Big surprise A MOMENT OF TRUTH FOR EVERY NEW DOCTOR: An account of that first moment when someone needs urgent medical attention, and youre the only medical person there - and what makes you hesitate IS MEDICINE REALLY MY PASSION?: An examination of why doctors become doctors, and whether they really love their job (for the right reasons)
If my writing hasnt yet made you throw up/bleed out of your ears/call for an ambulance, I hope you stick around and come back from time to time. You can also like my teams Facebook page, or follow us on Twitter. Just please dont send me hate mail saying what a terrible writer I am - I already get loads of that. (What, you actually thought I get real fan mail? Suckers. --Ed._)
Why yes that IS Justin Bieber crying in the middle of a Scrubs meme. Sue me._
dissection Model.
ME: _...holy Crap. Why Did You Wait So Long To Come To Hospital?!_
PATIENT: _Oh, It Was Starting To Itch A Little In The Field, So I Thought Id Get A Doctor To Check It Out._
_This is part of a series on medical school advice. To see the previous entry, click here._
Okay, so you dont really follow CPR guidelines, but what does he know? Hes just some dumb kid._
_(Whats that you say? Not as dumb as the guy who Photoshopped this in the first place? SHADDAP.) _
A few posts ago I wrote about how I single-handedly saved a beautiful woman from her heart exploding aboard a plane before making wild love to her and being dragged upstairs to the crew bedroom by about ten air stewardesses. Wait what? That didnt happen? Damn. I knew drinking coffee before bed would give me crazy dreams. Anyway,what I DID do was help a senior doctor resuscitate and take care of this elderly lady who had fainted after feeling dizzy on a long-haul flight. She had drunk more wine than she was used to before going to sleep.
I was woken up by the doctors wife telling me that this lady was nearly unconscious. Halfway through rubbing my eyes, I remembered that I was a doctor and my brain started screaming the resus mnemonic at me. The air stewardess passed by, and I called her over and told her urgently "Get me a cup of water please".
"No, not water." Came the authoritative voice of Dr Baldy (_not me, the other senior doctor. Imagine the rapper Pitbull except as a doctor. Wait, actually, that would make him Dr Evil. Never mind. --Editor_).
I stopped. Both me and the stewardess looked at him.
"Bring her a cup of 7-Up instead. Just a small one," he said, and the stewardess nodded.
As she ran off, I asked Dr Baldy what type of doctor he was. "Oh, Im a GP," he said. "Whats with the 7-Up?" I followed. He proceeded to explain to me that in his experience as a GP, when people were feeling nauseous (like theyre going to vomit), giving them plain water would often make them vomit, whereas a small quantity of a sugary carbonated drink actually helped fight the feeling and calmed them down somewhat. "7-Up seems to work the best, in my experience," he added. "I dont know why, but a lot of being a GP is working from experience".
He was right. The lady felt better and less thirsty, and she didnt throw up.
Later after the flight landed, I thanked him for the tip. "Any other last tips?" I asked him.
"Just one. Dont work in the NHS." He winked, put his arm around his wife, and headed for his connecting flight.
I started giggling like a schoolgirl going "ZOMG I WANT TO BE JUST LIKE HIM" over and over again picked up my bags and also left. Who knew 7-Up could be so useful?
So kids, the next time you feel sick from catching a virus/eating bad food/reading this blog, remember - SIP SOME 7-UP, NOT WATER. See? Who said reading my blog wasnt educational?
_If you liked this post, please consider liking our Facebook page. If you didnt like the post, go like my Facebook page anyway. I love you long time. _
"No, not water." Came the authoritative voice of Dr Baldy (_not me, the other senior doctor. Imagine the rapper Pitbull except as a doctor. Wait, actually, that would make him Dr Evil. Never mind. --Editor_).
I stopped. Both me and the stewardess looked at him.
"Bring her a cup of 7-Up instead. Just a small one," he said, and the stewardess nodded.
As she ran off, I asked Dr Baldy what type of doctor he was. "Oh, Im a GP," he said. "Whats with the 7-Up?" I followed. He proceeded to explain to me that in his experience as a GP, when people were feeling nauseous (like theyre going to vomit), giving them plain water would often make them vomit, whereas a small quantity of a sugary carbonated drink actually helped fight the feeling and calmed them down somewhat. "7-Up seems to work the best, in my experience," he added. "I dont know why, but a lot of being a GP is working from experience".
He was right. The lady felt better and less thirsty, and she didnt throw up.
Later after the flight landed, I thanked him for the tip. "Any other last tips?" I asked him.
"Just one. Dont work in the NHS." He winked, put his arm around his wife, and headed for his connecting flight.
I _In case you missed last nights Chelsea-Barcelona match, heres what it looked like from my mind. (Warning: my mind is not representative of a normal sane mind):_
I was going to apologise for this being a non-medical-related post, but then I realised this is football. Football fits into ANY blog, yo.__ _
Its tough being a Chelsea fan, especially if you dont live in London. Youre always surrounded by Manchester United fans, your team changes managers faster than Kim Kardashian changes husbands, and when you go to the pub with your friends to watch a match, you spend half the time in the toilet whilst your friends_ _shout at you to drag your cowardly ass out and take Torress excuses like a man.
So you may ask, if I know its a sad life of torture and chugging antidepressants half the time, why did I even become a Chelsea fan? (_Besides the fact that I enjoy pain and suffering, of course. I DID study medicine, you know. --Editor_) Well, after last nights amazing match , I would like to say I became a Chelsea fan because I was inspired by the way they play and saw the potential in them to go far, and always had faith that they would shine when it mattered.
I would like to say that. That, of course, is a lie. I became a Chelsea fan much by accident.
When I moved to London, I found a lovely flat in Fulham Broadway to live. On my first day I rang the doorbell and a large Irish lady came out and introduced herself as the landlady. She very kindly showed me in, and after a short chat, she asked me the question.
"So, which football team do you support?"
At that time I didnt really follow football, and was going to tell her that. But something about the way she was looking at me warned me that she wasnt just making polite conversation.
Thats when I noticed the blue scarf she was wearing.
And the blue welcome mat I was standing on.
And the ENTIRE FREAKING KITCHEN painted in blue. All covered with one logo.
"Chelsea," I said with the widest Honest Doctor smile I had learnt in communication skills classes.
She relaxed, then put down the rolling pin shed been hiding behind her back the whole time*.
These days when I think about switching teams to Arsenal, or maybe even cheering for Man U at a match with my friends, I close my eyes--
--and I see my landlady staring at me with those eyes.
Chelsea. Im Chelsea till I die. Yep.
_*Okay I was kidding about the rolling pin. I think. _
_SHAMELESS PLUG: If you thought this post was good/bad/made you throw up through at least three orifices, would you consider liking our Facebook page? I would love you forever and be eternally grateful and give all your kids free healthcare**. Thanks! _
_**free healthcare may not be free. Or healthcare either, for that matter._